Misery: Opening Arguments
"The Factory of Sadness"
Estimated 7 minute read
Looking to start at the beginning of this “complaint” fest? Finish this and want to keep hearing me rant about a team only cared about by those who know all the name of the Great Lakes? Click here for part one.
Week 1 Cleveland Browns Recap
Today, it’s my pleasure to make my opening arguments to all the members of this honorable jury. I want to first thank you for taking the time to read my statement. I am very sad and also very angry after that loss… and it means a lot to me. Second, I think there is a case to be made that isn’t being made anywhere I can find in a logical and well-laid-out manner. Today, I hope to make it as easy to comprehend as it is to understand as a bystander. Call this case:
The People v. Cleveland Browns
I’ll begin.
The Cleveland Browns need to get pulled away from the slot machine.
Please, for the love of all that is good and holy pull them away. They have put $230 million dollars and three first round picks into it… but there is a way out of this dark and smoke filled casino. We can help them out of this two story building filled with the smell of sadness and despair. It has to start with walking away from that machine though. No more pulls and no more free drinks from the bartenders that walk around with only one intention… to keep you sitting on your hands unable to make that hard choice for yourself. I don’t know where that road to escape ends, but I’m kind of okay with it being Jameis Winston.
Deshaun Watson was one of the most unimpressive quarterback in the NFL last week and the separation between “bad” and “average” wasn’t even close… and I watched Daniel Jones and Bryce Young play football this week (more on that later). Being incompetent is one thing… but thinking you are competent and slinging the football all around the field over 40 times is far worse. Statistically speaking, if you want to know if Deshaun will complete his next pass… you can just flip a coin and call your favorite side. It’s actually that bad. Don’t believe me? Look up at the stats.
To quote Dan Orlovsky, “I'd think long and hard about Jameis.” I’ll be honest, I did that quite a bit this weekend watching my team get beat by the Cowboys. Let me please put that into perspective a little bit for you so understand how bad it actually is ladies and gentlemen.
We’re talking about playing a guy who has only played 10 games in the past 4 years and is only relevant for sucking on his fingers while imitating Tupac instead of a 3 time Pro Bowler. This is a man that is mostly known for pregame speeches, not during game plays. You know what I do think Jameis can do though folks?
Actually throw the football.
To even think, the defendants in this case didn’t even think of this watching from their press box like I did watching on my couch as their “elite” quarterback underthrew and overthrew route after route is organizational incompetence at its finest. You cannot stand back and let them continue to convince you of the lies they’ve told for years now.
“Watson is rusty.”
“He hasn’t played football consistently in a long time.”
“He’s lost his confidence.”
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please let me tell you what he has actually lost.
The team.
What you will see through this trial as you watch countless clips is a complete lack of trust in their starting quarterback.
Players on the sideline shaking their heads.
Wide receivers slouched over in the huddle.
Offensive lineman physically and literally brushing him off.
Any pep talk from the coach won’t matter, this team needs to cut their losses and work their way to the exit. There is a whole world outside those walls… and they’ve been in there so long the sun is outside again. It’s a brand new season. It’s a brand new year. The Raiders realized and clicked reset. The Vikings realized and clicked reset. Why not them? Why can’t the Browns admit to themselves they’ve made a massive error.
I think this is a continuation of what we’ve seen in the past in most major sports at least a few times a year.
Upper management ego.
Make your picks and ride 'em out. If they’re what get you fired, then at least you went out on your own terms.
Now through this trial, the defense is going to try to convince you of some extenuating circumstances that have kept them at that machine for so long. They’ll try to give you alternative reasons for why they’ll give it another pull this upcoming week.
They’re going to try to convince you that their offensive line is hurt. They’re going to tell you that we can’t judge Deshaun without having a healthy team. They may even try to attempt to sway you to believe the failures of this team are in the running game. “No Chubb, no good team.”
I’d say any such arguments would be deplorable to say the least. This quarterback struggled against a team with multiple offensive lineman who are in new positions this year and also have their own injury problems to handle. When are we going to admit to ourselves that these aren’t excuses? “Next up.”
The guy seemed out of it. I can’t tell if it’s because of the fact that his Dad just passed away… or he knew that the NBC article about him sexually assaulting a woman was about to leak. Either way, it’s not an excuse. Sit it out and admit you need time away from football. Simple as that.
The defense he has behind him is amazing, but the numbers didn’t show that story on Sunday. The unit was on the field for the majority of the game after countless punts after 3 and outs. They never truly got a chance to take a breath. I think with an actual game manager to help them out on the other side of the ball, this team can be a top 5 defense again. We saw sacks and pressure put on the quarterback on a lot of plays during that game even with that fatigue. I’m hoping with some confidence, spurred on by points scored, they can improve even more next week.
I’m not sure if it’s Jameis' honorable jury, but I’m telling you that it’s not Watson.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of watching Baker Mayfield light it up in Tampa. I’m sick of watching skipped first round QB’s become elite. I’m sick of blaming it on anything else other than the current guy in the driver seat. Watson needs to go. In these coming day during this trial you will see many points laid out as clear as crystal:
He’s lost the team because he can’t play.
He’s lost the city because he doesn’t care he can’t play.
He’s lost the fans because he’s an accused sexual harasser and assaulter.
He’s been a waste of capital in all senses of the word.
By the end of this season… I mean trial… I hope you can see that these are the truest of facts beyond a reasonable doubt and make the right decision for this team to step away from that machine. Truly, a “triple diamond” across the board is not coming anytime soon.
"The Misery Train Comes to Appalachia"
Danger in Carolina
This week in “Misery”, we’re going to drag our first team into the hole with us. Don’t worry, there is Mally’s chocolate in here… and Bell’s beer… and Slyman’s…
Once a week I’ll tell you a fanbase that should be starting to consider pulling out those hockey sweaters and putting away those jerseys hanging up in your mancave for the next months of football. No need to give them sun damage while the other teams pass you by this season. Save ‘em for next year.
If you’re a part of this fanbase, don’t be sad. Accept it and move on. You can always turn to college football to see who your team is going to draft. The only problem is, it doesn’t even really matter who they draft… they’ll probably ruin the guy anyways.
If your license plate says “Carolina” on it, I don’t have to tell you to turn off “Exit Week 1” to join us, do I? Did any of you Panther fans realize the same thing I did? These guys never had the ball! When you let a Saints team who isn’t that great hold the ball for almost a whole quarter of football more than you, you don’t even remotely stand a chance.
This wasn’t even really the defense’s fault either. The Saints and Panthers were only separated by total plays run by 7! This is all on the offense and their “continuing to flatten” falling star Bryce Young. While not all on him… I think we have to give him most of the blame. This offense had 2 interceptions, a 10% third down conversion, 4 allowed sacks, only 11 first downs. They weren’t bad… they looked incompetent.
I’d switch the game back to the Giants game to see the Daniel Jones experiment collapse in real time and think, “wow, this may be the worst QB in the NFL.” Then I’d switch back to see that the Panthers had punted again. I'd be surprised if this team can squeak out 4 games this season… which brings me to this.
How did you get here to “Misery” and what can you do to get out of it?
When this team has a top 5 pick this year again, it’s going to get real uncomfortable in Carolina. Main reason? I think you need to draft a quarterback again. I’m a big believer in the tale as old as time. “If you ain’t got one that’s going to be in the Hall of Fame conversation, you draft one.” It’s as simple as that. Did your current one lose you games? Draft another quarterback. Did your current one win you games? If not… you got it… draft another one. Bryce is not the guy. You know that… it’s why he wasn’t in at the end of that game.
Now before you comment, or even say it in your head, don’t you dare say he’s undersized. It’s my least favorite QB criticism I hear. Drew Brees was undersized… Steven Young was undersized… don’t be a short king hater. He’s not undersized… he’s undersized and bad at football. This isn’t about his size or his skills, it’s about his intelligence at this level. The Saints defense threw some mixed packages as the guy and he fell apart. He underthrew balls and overthrew balls all day. Hell.. he looked like a under 6 foot Deshaun Watson.
Good news for you? It seems like there is going to be plenty of options. Even if you fall out of the top 5, I think there can be some quality options to pick up to push Bryce in a quarterback competition. If you do land a top 3 though, I think you have to take a look at QB. Taking a lineman, an offensive weapon, or a defensive edge rusher would maybe be the best option… but you cannot continue to let the most important position on the field stay stagnant.
If you’re one of my Panthers fans, you knew this was coming. It’s sad… because at least some of my players on my team are fantasy playable… you can’t even root for your team on an app!
Misery Team Week 1: Carolina Panthers
Prediction: Best case 4 - 13… worst case 2 - 15
