Misery: I Struggle to Find Wins

Does a paper bag count?

Okay… welcome back to our weekly edition of, “the Cleveland Browns suck.” I’m sure you’re very familiar with the format. “Blah blah blah, the team is awful. Blah blah blah, they can’t get a first down to save their lives. Blah blah blah, I hate being a fan of this awful team.” You know the drill. 

So let’s move on from that, shall we. Let’s go to the future again. Hold on, let me dig out my crystal ball. Two weeks, we spoke about potential plans for the future of the saddest sports franchise on the face of the planet. Then last year we went back to our regularly scheduled program. This week though, we’re going to jump back in the DeLorean to see if we can garner anything from our travels in it. 

This week we ask the question: “Can this garbage team full of clowns get a win ever again?”

A tricky one I know. If you’ve been watching them play week after week, you may say “no” - just because you can see the writing on them wall. As I pointed out last week, this team is dead last in almost every category that is meaningful in regards to offensive efficiency. They’re awful and only looking to potentially get worse with the new uncertainty at the quarterback position. (Maybe, at a later time we can get to my thoughts on Deshaun’s achilles injury… but the drama is all too fresh for me now.)

Looking ahead to our upcoming games, something becomes increasingly clear: It will get worse before it gets better. Two games against the Steelers and Ravens in our future and a couple tough out of division opponents mean we’re going to struggle to put another “W” in our record unless somethings start clicking on the field. 

Let’s go through em’ one by one shall we:

Ravens Week 8: I just cannot see us possibly taking the field and beating a Lamar Jackson-led Baltimore team with how we currently look. This team seems to be chugging along at their normal speed and I think they get to carry out their favorite past-time of “beating the piss out of the Browns on the road.”

Chargers Week 9: This is one of the current games we may squeak away with. They have had their struggles in recent weeks and are kind of in the exact opposite position the Ravens are. They are not just chugging along at their “normal speed” and we may be able to catch them off guard at home.

Saints Week 11: Here’s the problem with the Saints, they have a “boom or bust” potential that is scary for most teams in the NFL. They can come out and put up 40+ on you, or you could beat them by 14. It’s very hard to predict what will happen on a Thursday night primetime, but the pressure may get to the Saints. If they come in on a losing streak, then maybe we get a win. I would’t bet the house on it though… and please… don’t bet your house on it. 

Steelers Week 12: There is something the Steelers have in their DNA that is specifically coded to help them beat the Browns. Plus, it’s right by my birthday, and the Browns have something in their DNA helps them lose as a birthday gift for me. I have always really appreciated it. I’d take a “L” here.

Broncos Week 13: I may be overly confident right now, but I’ll take a win for the Browns here. This is another one of the games, like the Chargers, that I think is play. The Broncos aren’t good. Teams that aren’t good can get beat by bad teams. Maybe the Browns can be that bad team that beats them.

Steelers Week 14: See above for my reasons we will take a loss here. The only thing that gives me pause about betting the house it here though, is that this Steelers team isn’t as good as they’ve been in years. Maybe we take this one? Or week 12? I’m not sure. Most likely, this team will get killed in both games.

Chiefs Week 15: I’m not writing a whole damn thing for this. Loss.

Bengals Week 16: Hear me out. - I’m going to put this in play too. Joey B has been struggling this season. This is not the Bengals of years past. Just for the sake of the bell curve, maybe we take a win in Cincinnati. 

Dolphins Week 17: This one depends Tua’s health. This week (as of writing) is going to be a great benchmark for if he can perform at the same level as before the hit this season. If he can, the Dolphins will stomp on us this week on NBC primetime. If he’s out again for whatever reason, we may win this game.

Ravens Week 18: See text above for explanation. I’ll take another loss for us here if I was a betting man.

So let’s recap. 

Best case scenario based off of my analysis above we have 5 to 6 wins. Do you think that sounds crazy? Me too. So let’s be more realistic. I’ll say we finish with 3 to 4 wins, at best. 

Long story short, we stink. I was being “nice” above, honesty? I struggle to find wins looking at the rest of this year. I think the Browns will too.

J-E-T-S, stink stink stink.

If I’m the Jets, I’m in panic mode. Not Cleveland Browns’ level, but panicked for sure. 

Aaron Rodgers looks like he may have had to retire a few years ago. He got his weapon back in a “monster” trade for Adam and they still looked terrible. They may very well be the worst team in New York. Trust me - that’s saying something. 

They have something fundamentally wrong with their offense and their front office is in turmoil. Firing a coach without the players knowing? Firing the coach and not letting him say his final thoughts to his guys? You don’t think the players notice that’s the treatment they’re going to get on their way out? I just can’t imagine positive thing are coming.

Similar to other teams on the “Misery” list, the Jets are on the path that I think is the scariest. “Old quarterback with no promising pieces.” Sure they got young guys on the team that can develop into something good, but will they still be around when they get good quarterback play? 

Hell, crazy to say I know, if the Jets drop enough games here in these upcoming weeks they may drop below the Browns. 

Now I’m talking crazy, so I’ll just stop.